I could only love you more if you were dipped in chocolate
I used to drink but that was hours ago
10. Draw a square on the floor in chalk and then stand in it. The next time someone gets in and steps on the square yell out, “Hey, that’s MY personal space!”
9. Get a friend and play Twister inside. Tell people they can’t get in unless they play too.
8. Pretend that the buttons are electrified and act like you’ve received a tiny shock every time you go to press a button. Do this more than once.
7. Make a white dunce hat and face the corner of the elevator without getting out.
6. Ask if you can push a button for someone but push the wrong buttons every time he or she says a number.
5. Crack open your brief case and peek inside saying, “Are you still alive? It’s just a few more floors.”
4. Announce that you have clean underwear on.
3. Have a loud conversation on an invisible cell phone.
2. Say, “Ding! I beat you again, Mr. Elevator,” before the doors open.
1. Press extra floor buttons after someone gets in. Say that you’re waiting for a friend. When the doors open and no one gets in say, “Hi, Dave. Thanks for coming!”
Funny Mother’s Day card
Mother’s Day card
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Item #: 1099
Cover Reads: Helpful Hints for Jews and Gentiles at Christmas Time. 1. When Jews are present, don’t call Jesus “Our Saviour,” call him “Cousin Jesus.” 2. If a Jew asks, “So how did Jesus die?,” simply reply, “food poisoning.” 3. When visiting a mixed household, bring the shiksa holiday cookies and the Jew a vat of matzohball soup. 4. Take a delighted interest by asking Jewish friends, “When you were little during the holidays, did you ever want to convert?” 5. When passing a sidewalk Santa with your Jewish friend, distract him by saying, “Hey, let’s go grab a blintz!” 6. On Christmas Eve, remind Jewish children to leave out milk and cookies for Barbra Streisand. 7. When a Jewish friend compliments your tree, remind her that it’s not as nice as her menorah. 8. Invite your Jewish neighbors over for a holiday screening of “Santa on the Roof” and “Schindler’s List” 9. Mix up old Christmas carols with “I saw Mommy Kissing the Moil” and “Deck the Halls with Boughs of Challah.” 10. Refrain from referring to Hanukkah as “fake Christmas.” 11. Tell your gentile children the story of “Chaim, the Reindeer Who Spent the Whole Night Kvetching.” 12. For every Nativity scene in the neighborhood, place a replica of a Jewish family spinning driedels outside the manger.
Inside Reads: Merry Christmas to Jew.
Read more: http://www.nobleworkscards.com/1099-merry-xmas-to-jew-funny-talk-bubbles-merry-christmas-card.html#ixzz2EP1HlFGd
A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, “I’m pregnant.”
He asked, “How did this happen, my child?”
She said, “I think it must be the second coming.”
The priest, shocked by this reply asked, “What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?”
“Because,” she replied, “I swallowed the first one.”