I could only love you more if you were dipped in chocolate
I could only love you more if you were dipped in chocolate
I used to drink but that was hours ago
10. Draw a square on the floor in chalk and then stand in it. The next time someone gets in and steps on the square yell out, “Hey, that’s MY personal space!”
9. Get a friend and play Twister inside. Tell people they can’t get in unless they play too.
8. Pretend that the buttons are electrified and act like you’ve received a tiny shock every time you go to press a button. Do this more than once.
7. Make a white dunce hat and face the corner of the elevator without getting out.
6. Ask if you can push a button for someone but push the wrong buttons every time he or she says a number.
5. Crack open your brief case and peek inside saying, “Are you still alive? It’s just a few more floors.”
4. Announce that you have clean underwear on.
3. Have a loud conversation on an invisible cell phone.
2. Say, “Ding! I beat you again, Mr. Elevator,” before the doors open.
1. Press extra floor buttons after someone gets in. Say that you’re waiting for a friend. When the doors open and no one gets in say, “Hi, Dave. Thanks for coming!”
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Cover Reads: Helpful Hints for Jews and Gentiles at Christmas Time. 1. When Jews are present, don’t call Jesus “Our Saviour,” call him “Cousin Jesus.” 2. If a Jew asks, “So how did Jesus die?,” simply reply, “food poisoning.” 3. When visiting a mixed household, bring the shiksa holiday cookies and the Jew a vat of matzohball soup. 4. Take a delighted interest by asking Jewish friends, “When you were little during the holidays, did you ever want to convert?” 5. When passing a sidewalk Santa with your Jewish friend, distract him by saying, “Hey, let’s go grab a blintz!” 6. On Christmas Eve, remind Jewish children to leave out milk and cookies for Barbra Streisand. 7. When a Jewish friend compliments your tree, remind her that it’s not as nice as her menorah. 8. Invite your Jewish neighbors over for a holiday screening of “Santa on the Roof” and “Schindler’s List” 9. Mix up old Christmas carols with “I saw Mommy Kissing the Moil” and “Deck the Halls with Boughs of Challah.” 10. Refrain from referring to Hanukkah as “fake Christmas.” 11. Tell your gentile children the story of “Chaim, the Reindeer Who Spent the Whole Night Kvetching.” 12. For every Nativity scene in the neighborhood, place a replica of a Jewish family spinning driedels outside the manger.
Inside Reads: Merry Christmas to Jew.
Read more: http://www.nobleworkscards.com/1099-merry-xmas-to-jew-funny-talk-bubbles-merry-christmas-card.html#ixzz2EP1HlFGd
A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, “I’m pregnant.”
He asked, “How did this happen, my child?”
She said, “I think it must be the second coming.”
The priest, shocked by this reply asked, “What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?”
“Because,” she replied, “I swallowed the first one.”
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said “this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?” The pharmacist said “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.” When she returned, she said, “the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”
The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”
No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. “You have so much to live for,”
said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.”
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.”What are you doing here?” asked the captain.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy .”
“I see,” the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.”
“He certainly is,” replied the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”